WHAT ARE ‘SITUATIONSHIPS?
How many of you have ever heard the term ‘situationship’ before? Well, based on my understanding and experience with being in that position in the past, I can conclude that this is a case where one or both parties want the benefits of being in a committed relationship without having to attach ‘titles’ to it. Whereas a relationship involves the mutual consent of the parties involved to be intimate with clearly defined goals and expectations, a ‘situationship’ is often quite the opposite- unclear and undefined. Usually, the party or parties expect loyalty, love and respect among all the other things that would constitute being in an intimate relationship, without anyone feeling obligated or even pressured to declare ‘This is my partner’. In such a situation one can never dare ask questions or maybe even share concerns only someone with the ‘title’ would be permitted to.
MY STORY
I met this guy ten years ago and developed a huge crush on him. He was attractive, very easy to talk to (as he was a good listener) and not only that, but the bonus for me was that he was a Christian! In my estimation; a very decent guy. We would communicate sporadically on social media during six of the ten years I’ve known him, and would not physically see each other during this time. Instead, we kept it completely platonic and I was fine with that. At least, that’s until we reconnected in the sixth year of our friendship. We started communicating again, this time however, it felt intentional. We would speak for hours on end; he’d be the first person I spoke to when I got up every morning and the last voice I’d hear before falling asleep. Despite the fact that we would speak on the phone for hours, he would send random text messages throughout the day just to let me know he was thinking about me. Needless to say, my feelings for him started to develop and before I knew it, I had fallen in love with my friend.
In addition to this, he would make utterances including ‘I’m definitely ready for a relationship’ or ‘I’m ready for marriage’ but if I were to be honest, I had doubts. Especially because he had just ended a serious relationship which included concrete plans to get married, and deep in my heart I felt like he needed time to heal before making the bold step to move forward with me. However, he convinced me that he was fine.
Everything felt like it was falling into place; at least, I convinced myself to believe this despite the fact that my gut was telling me otherwise.
HOW DID THIS BECOME A SITUATIONSHIP?
Well, things started to get intimate between us- he expressed the desire to take me out, we started spending more time together, shared secrets, fears and failures. We talked about children, sex, our likes and dislikes, childhood experiences, past experiences in relationships, you name it- we became vulnerable. And then he kissed me. I was on cloud nine! Here I was deeply in love with my friend and ready to start a new chapter; one that would be the longest and best as I’m getting to do life with someone I care deeply about. Someone who gets me. You know?
However, things started to change. Those daily phone calls, cut down to once or twice per week at most, then the calls stopped entirely and communication was limited to text. Soon after, the tone of the messages started to change from intimate to generalized and disconnected. I felt hurt, but was still hopeful. After all, I didn’t think I did anything to jeopardize our ‘relationship’ so what is happening? I silently pondered these as I observed the changes. As the days went by, he became more and more distant. Then came the talks about moving to another city which would be miles away from me and it would be almost impossible for us to see each other. It was then that I asked ‘Why are you leaving?’ to which he responded ‘I have no obligations here’. On hearing this, MY HEART WAS SHATTERED.
My thought process went from ‘How did I miss this?’ to ‘Maybe he doesn’t mean it. He’s just scared because of his experience from his last relationship. Maybe if I hold on a little longer he’ll see how sincere I am and decide to stay.’ So of course, I stuck around. Answering his calls to help him with projects and just offering any support I could- all the while I was losing me. I had sacrificed myself and happiness for his. Here I was playing the role of ‘girlfriend’ without actually being told anything concrete where a committed relationship is concerned- I had found myself in a ‘situationship’.
Did I blame him? At the time, I absolutely did. But now that I think of it, I owed it to myself to protect me and I didn’t. I owed it to myself to love me first but I chose to put his feelings before mine. After all, that’s how relationships are supposed to work, right? Right. Only, we were never in a relationship because he did not ask and I just assumed that because it felt like one, then it was one. Additionally, although he expressed that he wanted marriage, children and the whole nine yards, what he didn’t say was that he wanted it with me. I never thought I would have to ask this considering all that we shared; I thought him saying these things meant he wanted to do them with me but boy was I wrong.
To his credit, he admitted that he had sent mixed signals about how he felt about me, but that was because he was at a point in his life where he still needed to heal and because of this, it put him in a state of confusion. He apologized sincerely and took full responsibility for his actions, and so did I, as I recognized that I was not inexcusable.
This experience taught me that no one person is always fully responsible for the failure of any relationship. Usually both parties had a part to play in its demise and in order to move forward, both parties have to accept their role in this. It also taught me that when adults act responsibly and not run away from the problem, relationships can be tastefully dissolved without causing any further damage. Because our ‘situationship’ ended amicably, we remained friends. Though it doesn’t take away from the fact that damage was done, it provided us both the closure we needed to move forward with our lives without a cloud of guilt hanging over us.
Truth is, I knew he was hurt and would need time to figure out what he wanted but I chose to entertain him anyway. He did not betray me, I betrayed me. Do I hate him for what happened? I do not, but it doesn’t mean I didn’t feel distraught after this experience. Instead of being vindictive, I chose to take the high road. Yes, I will be his friend, but I will no longer be so available, neither will I overextend myself whenever he is in need of a favor. If I can, then I will assist expecting nothing in return; I’m just not willing to give too much of me away. The point is, I think to avoid situations like these, we have to get comfortable with asking tough and direct questions and be satisfied when the answers we get are not the ones we want to hear. Have an open mind and understand that if you do not get the response you were hoping for, it’s not the end of the world. There will always be other opportunities for you if you just give yourself time.
MAJOR TAKE-AWAY
The harsh words that often spewed from my lips in anger and frustration when he became distant were reprehensible to say the least. It’s funny how situations can cause us to make discoveries about our own selves if we pay attention. For me, saying hurtful things in anger is a character flaw I was unaware that I had. This opened my eyes to not just see him, but to also gain perspective on who I was. It’s like the lights were suddenly flicked on and I was finally seeing the ugly side of my character- I was having a Johari Window experience and I knew I had work to do. I could choose to ignore the revelations, focus my attention on him and how he made me feel, play victim and make him the villain, or I could acknowledge the pain, face the discoveries made about self and make a concerted effort to fix me. After all, I knew that this was not who I want to be. I’m still not there yet, but I will not stop until this flaw has been completely eradicated from my character.
THE BOTTOMLINE
I’m sure we’ve all heard that we should never ignore red flags, it’s nothing new, but why then do we do it? Why do we lie to ourselves and rationalize the behavior of people when they are honest about how they truly feel about or view us?
People will always say things to fulfill whatever their motives are in the moment, but what doesn’t lie is character- and our behavior is usually a product of our character. Now, let me hasten to say that I will not discredit the fact that situations have the ability to push us to act out of character and we miscommunicate the essence of who we are because of a poor decision made in a moment of hurt or anger. In other words, we sometimes misrepresent ourselves when we’re found in situations such as the aforementioned. This is completely understandable and is a part of what makes you human. However, that which I speak of is usually supported with consistency in behavior- and character is something that cannot be hidden. The reality is, if the individual does not genuinely care or their intentions are not pure, their actions will be consistent even if their lips are communicating the opposite. The true nature of our character will always come to the fore despite attempts to hide behind the veil of pretense.
And ladies, we know. Sometimes it’s a gut feeling and we cannot explain it but we can feel it- do not ignore it or try to explain it away. Usually if you pay attention you’ll save yourself a lot of heartache and pain.
Ultimately, think about what you are communicating to that individual about who you are should you make the conscious decision to ignore the signs. Are you sending an accurate message about the core of who you are? Are you being true to you? Have you been representing yourself well? At the end of the day, temporary discomfort is better than a lifetime of sorrow.
POINT BLANK
If you’re looking for a relationship, state it and also have the other party be clear in what his or her expectations are as well. Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. No matter how uncomfortable it makes you feel because avoidance is danger. It makes no sense to be completely invested in something that’s going nowhere when you could have put all your time and effort into something that would be more profitable for all involved. I do not despise my experience as it is helping to shape me into the woman I am today. Instead, all that emotion I feel concerning this, I have decided to convert that energy and channel it creatively. So, my first step is to create this website and share my experiences with you via this medium. I find that putting my thoughts on paper is not only healing, but hopefully on my journey to wholeness, you too will benefit. For me, writing, speaking to someone I trust, spending quality time in God’s presence, reading and listening to music usually help me cope whenever things like these happen. Find what works for you and do not be afraid to do them.
While I do not profess to know it all (I’m just a flawed human being trying to make sense of life with all its complexities), I do expect something beautiful to be birthed out of this ‘broken’ experience.
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