Kaycia Walker

BACKGROUND

From as far back as I can remember, my life was always characterized by church. My parents drilled in me (well, my mom more so than my father) the importance of living a Godly life and by the age of 9 I got baptized in my mom’s home church. I was not forced, and I believe I was aware of what I was doing. My father who was residing in the USA at the time and who was also an ordained Pastor, wanted to be the one to baptize me, but there was no guarantee regarding when he would return home and I did not want to wait- I had given my heart to Jesus and was ready to start my Christian journey. On seeing evidence of my conviction, my dad gave me his blessing and I got baptized on New Year’s Eve of that year.

Growing up as a Pastor’s child and now having taken on the title of ‘Christian’ was often pressuring- it felt like I was always under the radar and it seemed as if getting baptized suddenly made me immune to childlike frivolities, and any humanly ‘slip-ups’ would be harshly criticized by church folk. If that were not enough, people who did not identify as Christians would often tell me that I would soon ‘backslide’ or turn away from the faith, and they too kept a close eye on everything I did, not neglecting to hammer the dreaded statement ‘And you say you’re a Christian’ whenever I made poor decisions or acted unseemly. For a while, a cloud of guilt hung over my 9-year-old self as I battled with feeling like a complete failure, believing that I just could not measure up.

Not making excuses for my actions, but I think what many failed to realize was that even though I had committed my life to Christ, I was still a child and just like all children, I would be prone to make mistakes. Not only that, but we sometimes neglect to acknowledge the fact that fully grown adults who have been saved for years often falter; and if this can happen to adults who we assume should ‘know better’, why should one think it will be different for a child?

MY MINISTRY

This however does not sum up my walk with the Lord as my experiences were not all negative. In fact, I had wonderful experiences in the presence of the Lord as well- I sang on the children’s choir and was often praised by the late Pastor Rupert Easy for my talent. One of my fondest memories took place when I was only four years old, and it involves reciting a poem at the beginning of a Christmas concert and churches from all over the county were in attendance. There were some who doubted whether I would be able to do this considering the magnitude of the gathering. However, my mom offered words of advice and encouragement until the final minute before I went on stage. I was so tiny that when I stood behind the lectern no one could see me, so I had to stand on a chair. After my recital, I was requested to do an encore performance! Everyone stood and cheered for me and in that moment, I felt like I could do anything.

Additionally, it was at the age of nine or ten that I had watched a video performance of the late singer John Starnes’ rendition of ‘The Midnight Cry’. I remember being heavily convicted when I watched the video as tears streamed down my face. Having had this encounter with the Lord, I recall grabbing a book and pencil and pausing the cassette every few seconds as I listened intently to the lyrics before copying them into my notebook. My neighbor had stopped by and saw me working asiduously, vetted my work and fixed spelling and lyrical errors. This process was tedious but I did not relent until I was through. Then I practiced until I knew the lyrics by heart.

My then Pastor and leader of the Sunday School Department enjoyed having me sing at church on Sundays, and the next time they requested a rendition, I would be ready. I sang ‘The ‘Midnight Cry’ at church the following Sunday and I can recall the congregation was in tears- some knelt by their seats, others made their way to the altar without anyone doing an altar call. From that day forward, that was the only song they wanted me to sing, and soon I was given the title ‘The Midnight Cry Girl’.

However, like any other agent of socialization in the world, the church is not without its fair share of problems. Let us establish one thing before I delve into the whole topic of ‘church hurt’. The term ‘church’ as used in the context of this blog does not refer to any specific person, denomination, religious group or building. The definition of church I choose to use is the one referenced in the Bible where we; the people who profess to be Christians, are called ‘the church’. In other words, anyone who confesses to be a follower of Christ is ‘the church’ and not an actual building or denomination. Now that I have set the foundation, let’s dig in!

 In my adult years, I remember watching a live video of a well-known media personality who got pregnant out of wedlock and she was heavily scrutinized by the public. In her video she stated that the most love and non-judgment she had ever experienced in her life were from persons who do not profess to be of the Christian faith. As someone who has spent practically all my life being a part of the body of Christ, I was livid. How could she say that? The nerve of this woman! The church is love; that is what Jesus stands for and that is what the church stands for. How rude! I was ‘in my feelings’. That was, until I had my own experiences with the church.

MY GETHSEMANE

One of my most painful experiences happened after I was publicly disrespected by another member and after speaking with a leader of the body, I was instructed to apologize. Yup, you heard right, I was instructed to apologize. When asked why I needed to apologize considering I did nothing wrong I was told ‘I know; you’re apologizing for the situation’. In other words, my apology would be along the lines of ‘I’m sorry this ever happened.’ What hurt even more was that I learned that the reason I was asked to apologize was because the individual and her family threatened to leave the body and go elsewhere, so in an attempt to keep them from leaving, I was advised to apologize. It took everything out of me to do it, but I did in the presence of two witnesses.

What made matters even worse, was that I was now labeled a liar by that group of people, who now made it their mandate to tarnish my reputation and make my experience in the building a living hell. Whenever it was my time to lead praise and worship, while everyone in the church stood to participate in the exercise, they all sat, and insults, criticism and anger spewed from their lips. Standing at the front of the church, I could see everything, and it broke me-especially because I once called these people ‘family’.

If that were not enough, others started joining them in believing the lies and many withdrew from my family. Even the leader who instructed me to apologize became cold and distant- I felt ostracized and helpless. The human or ‘fleshly’ side of me wanted to retaliate; I wanted to fight back and clear my name. It just was not fair that as a Christian I was expected to sit and have them treat me this way! Especially when I did nothing wrong! Not only that, but they were getting away with it! Where was God? He knew I did not do what I was being accused of. Why didn’t He defend me?

This was how I felt, but my mom and three of my spiritual aunts and uncle impressed upon me the importance of allowing God to fight my battles and reminded me that ‘…the weapons of [my] warfare are not carnal]’ and ‘…we wrestle not against flesh and blood’, 2 Corinthians 10:4 and Ephesians 6:12 respectively. This was a hard thing for me to swallow especially because I did not think God would move fast enough. I then remembered the scripture which states, ‘Blessed are you when men revile you and say all manner of evil against you falsely’ but to be honest, in that moment I cared very little about being considered ‘blessed’ -I just wanted justice!

However, I eventually heeded the instructions I received and tried to do what God required of me as deep in my heart, I really wanted to please Him. I just did not know that pleasing Him involved me being severely crushed and it was excruciatingly painful . This was ‘the church’ I now had to face, was expected to love and live with- the one the young lady alluded to in her video.

DOUBLE WHAMMY

The year prior, I had another agonizing experience with the same leader. This time, I was accused defying instructions to refrain from nominating my relative for an award. Despite my attempts to explain that I had nothing to do with the person being nominated, as I was not even a part of the team who made the selections, the label stuck, and a group of persons joined the individual in believing this lie. The leader started ignoring me when I went to the building for worship, and soon after, the entire group of friends followed suit. (I noticed that this was a trend- as soon as one individual made peace, everyone else would come around and act as if nothing ever happened.)

Luckily for me, God and grace were still on my side as the head of the Awards Committee confirmed what I had tried to tell the leader all along, but that was still not enough. The leader then requested that a member of the body write a statement which would somehow contradict all the head of the awards committee and myself had stated.  By this time, I had stopped going to the place of worship- I felt like I could no longer function; I was deeply hurt, wounded and angry.

 The short of it is, my name was eventually cleared but the scar remained. What hurt even more was right after this incident and we had ‘talked things over’, we had our annual social which was traditionally held at the close of the year. We would show pictures and videos of events which took place over the course of the past year, laugh, eat, and fellowship. I remember sitting in the pew and watching the year in review-I spearheaded and or was actively involved in the organization and production of all but one event held that year. At the end of watching the video, different individuals were invited to the front to receive a token of appreciation for their contribution to the ministry. Each time a name was called, a Sister sitting behind me would say ‘And Sister Kaycia. And Sister Kaycia’ anticipating that my name would eventually be called- but it never was. I was once again ostracized by a whole group of ‘church people’- all of whom were leaders in the church.  

SOUL-SEARCHING

Haven’t we all at some point in our lives, been found guilty of remaining silent about important issues that affect others? Where we betray our conscience out of fear of rejection and a negative perception associated with our character that we refuse to do what is right and instead, choose to become a part of the problem because it feels safe?

I have concluded that it is imperative for us to have honest and unbiased friendships and to be held accountable to someone with integrity- not a friend who will tell us what we want to hear; but rather someone who will tell us what we need to hear in that moment regardless of the effect it will have on our ego. The Bible supports this in the book of Hebrews when it states, ‘Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby.’

The truth is, these two incidents were two of many experiences I have had for more than five years of my Christian walk, and at the time, felt like they were sent to destroy me. Looking back, all I could see was how I was treated by the church, but now, all I choose to see is the faithfulness of God amidst it all. These crushing experiences forced me to pray, fast, and dwell in the presence of God even more and the result was that I experienced tremendous spiritual growth and a relationship with God that I treasure. What I did not know was that God was allowing this crushing experience to birth a new me; a me who was more resilient, tenacious, understanding and merciful. One who could empathize with another’s pain as I had been there, one who would love beyond perceived flaws without passing judgment as I knew what it was like to be judged, and one who would find her own voice and amplify that of the broken as I know how it feels to be silenced.

It is interesting that during my Gethsemane experience, I even started to doubt who I was in Christ because of the labels that were attached to my character. Eventually, with time and prayer, I felt peace and confidence in knowing that while ‘man looks at the outward appearance, God sees the heart’ (1 Samuel 16:7), and once my heart was in the right place, and I had God’s approval, everything would be okay.

THE CHURCH WITHIN THE CHURCH

During the process, I also saw and experienced the other side of the church- the side that would call when I did not show up to the building, just to say that my absence was noticed, I was missed, and even though it was unspoken, these small acts of kindness communicated that I was loved. This church prayed for and with me, offered a shoulder for me to cry on, and even opened their doors whenever I felt the need to just get away. There were at least four individuals who voluntarily denied themselves comfort by going on fasting just for me. Even though it felt like I was in a never ending storm, it was still the church that helped me through these ordeals.

Despite the fact that there are so many who are quick to pass judgment and speak collectively about the church due to the negative experiences they may have had, there are still faithful individuals who try to uphold the banner of righteousness amidst all this and they are often not celebrated. Our brain is conditioned to only focus on negative things that happen to us (popularly known as the ‘negativity bias’) and this is a toxic trait. I am continually unlearning this pattern of behavior as if I don’t, healing from past hurt would then be almost impossible. (You will have to choose to see the beauty within the church- and trust me, it is very present and there is even beauty in your broken experiences; you will just have to flick the lights on to see it.) Everything else is a mere deflection sent to prevent you from focusing on Who (Christ) and what truly matters.

My Pastor at the time often spoke about how today’s church building is synonymous with Noah’s Ark and all the animals- snakes, doves, alligators, bears, lions, tigers, etc. had to coexist with humans. It must have been an unpleasant experience, but God was there- that was where safety was. I think this is a brilliant analogy. As you can see, the church I experienced was not all bad, neither is it perfect. However, undoubtedly, Jesus was there; and that is what made the difference. If we abide in Him, He promises a safe arrival- not necessarily a smooth passage, and that is why I chose to stay a little longer despite the anguish it often caused. I learned that as long as He was there, he would not only be with me until it was time for me to leave, but He would always provide a remnant to offer support and guidance just as He had done in the past. And even if He chose not to, I would learn and grow to accept that having Him alone would be enough.

RESOLVE

You may be wondering if and how it all ended. Well, I had to learn to forgive and I had to do it without ever receiving an apology, but I eventually made peace with the fact that I probably never will, and that is okay. After all, I too have caused pain to persons in the past; some knowingly and unknowingly, and at the time found it difficult to say I was sorry but secretly wished they would exercise grace and forgive me. I believe this is a selfish way to live and that is why as I have grown and matured, I consciously make an effort to apologize whenever I become aware that I have caused someone pain because I know how it feels.

Even though an apology will not undo the damage, it does make dealing with the hurt a lot easier. However, if you never receive an apology, I find that it helps to remember that you too may have done the same thing or something similar to someone in the past and you too needed grace. Even if your experience is not the same, we hurt God ALL THE TIME and He forgives us even before we ask. If God can do this- extend an arm of grace, mercy and love towards us when we are least deserving, I believe that it’s honorable and humanly to ‘pay it forward’

AWAKENING

The experiences outlined above opened my eyes to see that hurt people really do hurt people, regardless of the position that one holds in the body of Christ. The reality is that our leaders are human and them being in a position of leadership does not negate the fact that they too have flaws and may make human errors from time to time. Like us, they hurt too and if they did not heal, it is highly likely that they will continue a perpetual cycle of hurt. It doesn’t make them less spiritual- it makes them human. Also, the world’s expectations of leaders can be so high that when their flaws are brought to light, they are heavily scrutinized.

While I understand that the call on their lives is great and they are to be held at a higher standard, I still believe we need to exercise grace when they do not meet our expectations of who they are ‘supposed to be’, as like us, they too are still on the ‘Potter’s Wheel’. Now let me hasten to say I am in no way suggesting that erratic or irrational behavior should be condoned or excused; instead,those who are in a position of authority should use the wisdom of God to chasten the individual for their misdeeds without neglecting to follow through with restorative acts of kindness. As the Bible states in Galatians 6:1, ‘Brethren, if even a man be taken in some fault, ye who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of meekness, considering thyself lest thou also be tempted.’ I had to acknowledge I am not in a higher place nor am I any better than they are just because their flaws are different from mine- ‘for ALL have sinned and come short of the glory of God’ (Romans 3:23), therefore, we are all in in need of grace. The grace you extend to someone today, may yield returns for the grace you will need tomorrow.

Instead of criticizing, let us pray for them because even though they may be in a position of authority, they are human and they are people chosen by God. Jesus’ disciples were not without fault! Peter lied and swore, Judas was a thief and betrayer, Thomas lacked faith, yet Jesus STILL chose them being full aware of their shortcomings. As Lecrae said in one of his songs ‘Broken crayons still color’- their flaws make them human but do not disqualify them from being used by God.

Ultimately, God is the only one who cannot and will never fail- everyone under God, as long as we wear this robe of flesh, may falter time and again. But we have confidence that we serve a just and faithful God and Father, who will always be there with arms wide open to receive us.

RENEWED MINDSET

I have discovered that it makes it easier to move on in love and forgiveness if we divorce the person from the act. What do I mean by this? The Bible says in the book of Ephesians 6:12,’For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.’ The fact is there is a real devil out there determined to cause your demise and the easiest way he can achieve his agenda is to use the ones closest to us. Therefore, if you recognize that whenever you have a grouse with someone that the individual is never the enemy and choose to detest the action instead of the person, forgiving will be a whole lot easier, and before you know it, you would have disempowered the real enemy-devil. After all, God loves every sinner- He just hates the sin.

FINAL THOUGHT

Let us then move forward with this mindset; love the people who hurt us (even if it takes a while that’s okay; I had to take baby steps to get to where I am today and I know I have farther to go), forgive them too (this could also take time so be patient with yourself), show grace to those in need, restore the fallen and in so doing we will not only live happier and healthier lives, but God will ultimately be glorified.