Kaycia Walker

THE HEARTBREAK

“Why are people so insensitive? I’m tired of friends treating me badly. Why does this keep happening to me? I’m tired of people hurting me. I don’t want any more friends, I am done”. Her voice cracked as she talked. I watched closely as she tried her best to blink back the tears that were now welling up in her eyes. I could feel her pain and at that moment I wished more than anything that I could help her, especially because I have been in that position before so I am familiar with what she was feeling.

She expressed how she’s always extending herself to her friends but they rarely do the same for her. My friend is usually very private. She is a great listener but doesn’t always open up about things that bother her. One day, she mustered up enough courage to share with her friend an issue that had become overwhelming. It was a desperate cry for help and she mustered up all the courage she had and told her friend. Silence. A few hours later the friend texted back talking about something very random. She had ignored her cry! Didn’t she see? This was one of the many experiences she had with the friend who did not seem to come through during the times when she needed it the most. Because of this, she shut down. She stopped sharing and suffered in silence. Her friend? She continued living and going through the motions without realizing that she had checked out.

REFLECTION

As I listened to her recall the events of the last few days that pushed her into her current state, she burst into tears. “I don’t do well with friends. It’s better if I continue alone.” It was at that moment it occurred to me that I am just like her, and it was as if I was seeing myself in a mirror that was now reflecting a fundamental truth- the reason she was disappointed was because of unmet expectations. Expectations ruin relationships. Every time I ended up in a position like the one she was in, someone did not meet my expectations. My expectations of them to be faithful, loyal, honest, considerate, and so on. Here was my friend in a similar position. She had these expectations because, by nature, she was all those things. However, without realizing it, she started expecting herself from her friend. Honestly, the friend is probably not even remotely capable of doing the things she needed at that moment because she is just not “there” yet!

THE REAL PROBLEM

“Aren’t people supposed to know that as a friend they are supposed to be supportive?” she said in bewilderment. Well, no. People don’t always know. Some may know but don’t know how to demonstrate it. This statement further concretized my initial thought; she was expecting herself from her friend! Just like me! Is that even fair to them? When they disappoint us, are they responsible? We put those expectations on them! Do we even have a right to be upset with them because of this?
My proposal is this; when we choose friends and partners, it is important to get to know them. Now I know it is not possible to know everything about people, but if you hang around long enough, you will learn enough to understand their patterns. Patterns don’t lie. When that happens, you won’t need expectations. Why? Because you would have chosen these people based on the nature of their character and not with the intention to change them.

I don’t need to expect my best friend to be loyal. I’ve known her long enough to know that loyalty is a part of her character. But if I were to expect her to not argue with someone who ticked her off on social media, that would be an unfair expectation as she is just not there yet! I don’t have the right to get upset or even feel disappointed in her because she showed me who she is. It is therefore up to me to decide what I can or cannot live with.

HOW CAN I FIX THIS?

Who are you upset with because they did not meet your expectations? Choosing relationships based on character traits that are important to you will help you to spend more time loving who those persons are as individuals, and less time placing expectations on them, then experiencing heartbreak and disappointment when expectations are unmet. When we start expecting ourselves from people, it will be met with resentment and even rebellion. Expectations ruin relationships.