Kaycia Walker

Do you know the song ‘Shout to the Lord’ by Darlene Zschech? Well, the chorus goes like this,

“Shout to the Lord all the earth let us sing/ Power and majesty, praise, to the King/ MOuntains bow down and the seas will roar/ At the sound of Your name/ I sing for joy at the work of Your hands/ Forever I’ll love You, forever I’ll stand/ Nothing compares to the promise I have in You”.

My family loves a good praise and worship song. In fact, we are almost always listening to music and it is not uncommon to hear someone breaking out in random worship while completing household chores and everyone else joins in with soprano, alto, and tenor, and we have church on the spot. On this particular day, I heard a member of my family (whom I will leave unnamed) singing the song above on the top of their lungs. It was an intense worship session for this individual and I was tempted to join in until the individual sang the line, “Forever I’ll love You, Forever Ralston“. I could not contain myself! That worship session ended abruptly because my boisterous laughter disrupted the flow of the Holy Spirit. What did I just hear? Huh?

If this made you chuckle a little, wait until you hear this next one. A good friend of mine, (who will also remain unnamed) another music lover, enjoys listening to old school love songs. Are you familiar with the song, ‘Shake you down’ by Gregory Abbott? Well, the second verse of the song goes like this,

“I see that look in your eyes (look in your eyes)/And what it’s telling me/ And you know, oh girl, that I’m not shy/ I’m glad you picked up on my telepathy, now baby”.

My unnamed friend thought it made sense that the singer, who is obviously attempting to woo a woman, did so by saying, “I’m glad you picked up a mighty leprosy!” I’m sorry, what? (lol)

We might chuckle at the idea of my family member and friend singing a line of a song incorrectly but how many times have we repeated things said by others but after they passed through the filter of our wounds, bitterness, anger, and biases, we end up hearing something that was never said? Don’t think it can happen?

STORYTIME

My friend Jamar, moved to an overseas country to escape political unrest in his country. While living in this foreign country, he was able to seek and receive asylum and started working at a local community food chain restaurant alongside 30 other employees. He said he would listen as many of the employees would complain about how many hours they had to work and noted that some of them treated their responsibilities with very little regard. He marveled because it was so difficult to get a job where he was from so when something opened up, everyone worked diligently to hold their job because their next meal would depend on it. One day he said to one of the employees (let’s call him Peter) “You know, I think you are so blessed to even have a job. Plus, you have access to so many resources here. In my country, people do not have these privileges”. After having that conversation, Peter went and told everyone on staff that Jamar said, “The people of his country are hardworking and the ones in our country are lazy”. Let that sink in.

We know that this is not true because we have access to both sides of the story. But what about the people who only heard Peter’s side? Jamar’s reputation and credibility are being threatened because someone failed to hear what was being said. But, how many times have we been angry with someone or just decided that we did not like them (for whatever reason) that everything they utter is construed negatively? How many times have you engaged in an argument with a friend, spouse, or child because you did not hear what they were saying? They said, “I’m not happy” but you heard, “You don’t make me happy”. They said, “I am tired”, but you heard, “You don’t love me”. They said, “I think you need to spend more time with the family” but you heard, “You’re failing as a father and spouse”. What was said passed through the filter of a guilty conscience, trauma, hurt, our own biases, and insecurities, and the end result is that we respond in the defensive and the relationship becomes strained or even damaged.

HEARING AID

My former coach taught me a strategy for addressing this. Draw a two-column table and in the left column, write what you heard and the emotions you felt in the moment. In the right column, write what was actually said. Word for word. What did the person say? Write it word for word. You will be surprised to see that sometimes what we hear is really not what the individual said but the interpretation is a result of a deeper issue within.

Stop and listen. Listen without planning a comeback. If you feel attacked, respectfully share how you feel and ask, “Is this what you are trying to communicate?” An individual who truly loves and cares about you will not want to intentionally harm you. Hearing you ask this might force them to evaluate how they are communicating and make adjustments to ensure you do not feel that way. It also allows them to clarify your possible misconception so you can hear them.

Finally, I saw a quote that sums all this up beautifully. “Heal, so you can hear what is being said without the filter of your wound”. One of the best ways to start hearing what is really said is to first heal. It takes time but is a necessary part of the process.