It has been at least three years since I last wrote a blog. For much of the time spent away from my website, I successfully managed to convince myself that my work was not making an impact. Yes, guys, I did! After all, there are so many other people in the personal and spiritual development space who are already talking about the things I am, so the world does not need to hear from me. That was until a few months ago, when I visited my website and began to look at my work. I skimmed through a few of the blogs and noted the nuggets that were laid on my heart during that season. “I really did something, didn’t I?” I heard myself say. This “come to Jesus” moment, like so many other “come to Jesus” moments in the past, was my ten millionth nudge to get to work yet again. So, here I am!
For those of you who became familiar with me in my adult years, you met a version of me that was very different from the version God created and released into the earth. The version of me you probably met was one who does not initiate conversations, remains silent unless included in conversations, and tends to be a bit of a homebody. The version of me you probably met was very unsure of herself, lacked confidence, was self-conscious, and was afraid to take chances. This was not the way I entered the earth.
‘UNHANDLED’ ME
Interestingly, my mom informed me that when I was a little girl, I had an extroverted personality. According to her, I was a “Little Ms. Prim”. Little Kaycia was not afraid to initiate conversations, was lively- loved to dance, sing, read, write poetry, and the like, she was not afraid to stand on platforms in front of hundreds and deliver a performance, she was witty, quick, vibrant- she was in her natural element and she was happy. I remember looking at a picture of my six or seven self, one with my arms akimbo, head held high, and a stare that screamed, “bring it on!” The picture was one of fearlessness, confidence, and fire. The little girl in the picture had become a stranger to me. I could not recognize her, not even in the least bit in me. I could not imagine anything like her, and it broke my heart. “What happened?” I heard my heart asking. How did I lose my confidence, resilience, my fire, how did I lose-me? But the truth is, I wasn’t lost. I was simply planted, and the me that would evolve was a part of God’s plan from the beginning.
Like a device, we have all been ‘handled’. Like a newly purchased device, I, too, came with my original factory settings, but somewhere and somehow those settings were altered through the different experiences of being ‘handled’ by life. From the COVID-19 pandemic to the murder of George Floyd, to the worldwide protests, political and civil unrest- all played a role in my ‘handling’, then gradually and almost unnoticeably, I began to evolve. It was a silent but steady evolution, and one that continues to take place. This experience taught me that we can use these experiences of being ‘handled’ as excuses until we excuse ourselves out of destiny, or we can recognize them for the instrumental role they serve in our evolution, lean in, and allow the process to make us better.
As time passed, I had to learn to not just return to myself, but to build on the woman I was becoming. All my experiences have been a part of my painful yet rewarding, messy but beautiful, becoming. Now, I needed to reset my mindset and lean into the work the Creator was doing in me because it was all part of a bigger plan to make me into the complex yet granular microcosm of the infinite, vast, unfathomable, and spectacular mind of God!
So, as I prepared my heart and mind to return to my place in this corner of the internet, it became apparent to me that a reset needs to take place. Though I believe that it will ultimately be helpful for all who will engage this post, it became abundantly clear to me that I, first, need to experience the reset of which I will write about. I need to do the work and that involves returning to my assignment, my love for God- writing, speaking, and everything else He has mandated for me to do, and in so doing, play my part in sharing what He has deposited in me with the world.
HONEST CONFESSION
Guys, resetting begins with first facing oneself, and that can be very uncomfortable. But, for meaningful progress to take place, I have to do the uncomfortable and sometimes dirty stuff to get there. It means dealing with the shame and guilt that come with neglecting an assignment but also forgiving and pulling myself from the dumps to go again. This extended hiatus is a reminder that every experience, every detail, every fall, every rise, is a reminder of my humanity. A reminder to remain humble because even at my best, I am still a man not immune to failure.
So, here I am. One more time. Showing up for the millionth time to do my Master’s will. If you can relate to walking away from a vision or dream because of life’s ‘handling’, I’m here to remind you that it’s okay to start again. You’re not alone. It’s okay to feel uncomfortable and even disappointed in yourself for not following through; just don’t camp out there. It’s okay to reset and start again. Keep going, I’m cheering you on.
Looking forward to this new chapter with you and all who will join. Thanks for sticking around!
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